In My Experience: Surviving Major Depression: Part One
Today’s post is the first in a series written specifically for Mental Health Notes by Vancouver blogger Airdrie Miller. It chronicles her personal experiences with anxiety and depression, and how she handles the delicate balance of work, rest, and play.
Oh baby, that’s not just the blues!
My first experience with clinical depression came in the year 2000. I remember clearly: I was in the maternity ward recovering from the birth of my second daughter. She was a healthy baby, and my labor was relatively easy. But something was not right; I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. It was like I was falling, out of control, and afraid. My confident cheery personality had just disappeared overnight. Literally 12 hours after the delivery, I was a different person.
But rather than tell anyone, I kept my melancholy feelings to myself. I even lied to the friendly nurse who interviews new moms about their postpartum moods. I said I was feeling fine.
Hoping it was just the temporary “Baby Blues” I had read about, I decided to wait a couple of weeks and see if it got better. It did not. And after a month of crying and isolating myself in my room with the baby, I finally called for help. By then I was having panic attacks again, too.
Earlier in my life I had suffered terribly with anxiety and panic disorder. At that time I received help from a psychiatrist through the Student Health Department at my university. I did not want to take medication, and was treated with talk therapy. By the time I graduated I had a grounding in both academic and emotional education. What a gift.
In my experience, one of the easiest ways to find good psychiatric help is through university Student Health facilities, which are often associated with teaching hospitals. These drop-in clinics are equipped to deal with the many young people who have their first experience with mood disorders during their college years. But you must be a student to use a Student Health clinic—they are not open to the general public.
A decade later, I was fortunate that I could call upon that same psychiatrist, who was now in private practice, to help me. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression (PPD) and began therapy. I chose to try to recover without the help of medication, even though my psychiatrist offered antidepressants as well: talk therapy had worked really well for me before. I was also still nursing my child, and was concerned that antidepressants might affect her.
Slowly I started to come out of the hole. I would often see my psychiatrist twice a week, with the baby in tow of course. I started to feel stronger, then returned to work full time after my seven months of maternity leave ended. With a handful of smiling baby pictures, I picked up right where I had left off.
While I continued with talk therapy, I told very few people at work about my PPD. I was embarrassed. By the time my mood lifted, I tried to put the whole “depression thing” behind me. But I could not shake the feeling that I was a different person somehow. A person whose shoes I did not feel like myself in. I called it my “shift.” I blamed this feeling on the fact that I was now a working mother of two.
I was succeeding at being a good wife and mother at home, and an energetic highly motivated employee at work. I was Super Mom. The only difference between me and your average Super Mom, however, was I now had a history of depression.
In Part Two: Baking a lot of cookies is not a cure for clinical depression.
It would take a major depressive episode in 2003 for me to learn that what I really needed was medication and to learn the skill of balancing my life with respect to work, rest, and play.
© Airdrie Miller
Image: SXC and Johan Cloete.
Airdrie Miller teaches high school mathematics in Vancouver, BC. She also co-hosts and produces a podcast called Lip Gloss and Laptops. She has two beautiful daughters and a bloggable husband. Check him out at penmachine.com.
Tags: Airdrie Miller, antidepressants, Anxiety, baby blues, clinical depression, Depression, major depression, Mood Disorders, mothers and depression, Panic Disorder, panick attacks, Postpartum Depression, pregnancy, talk therapy, women and depressionPOSTED IN: Mental Health Notes
14 opinions for In My Experience: Surviving Major Depression: Part One
Raul
Sep 15, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Airdrie is a wonderful human being and she is brave, strong, and carries herself and the burdens she’s had to deal with in such a gracious and stoic manner. She teaches each one of us a lesson in how to be strong in the face of difficulty.
Read Airdrie’s article! « Not To Be Trusted With Knives
Sep 15, 2008 at 4:13 pm
[...] To Be Trusted With Knives {September 15, 2008} Read Airdrie’s article! Today on Mental Health Notes, Vancouver blogger and postcaster Airdrie (of Lip Gloss and Laptops fame) started a series on her [...]
Dr. Beth Snow
Sep 15, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Trackback: “Thanks Airdrie, you are doing more good than you know!”
Tris Hussey
Sep 15, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Brava Airdrie!
Tod
Sep 15, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Great post, Air. I’m looking forward to pt. 2. And thank you for bringing a little piece of you so that we can all keep hacking the stigma away. You ARE doing that.
And yes, as the blog says at the end you are a “wonderful human being [who is brave and strong]
Alicia Sparks, Mental Health Notes
Sep 15, 2008 at 10:40 pm
My my, Airdrie, you are quite the celebrity!
Tris? Small world. I hope you’re well :)
Tod - I’m glad you stopped by. I’m emailing you.
And, to everyone - Yes, be sure to stay tuned for the second post in the series, which will be live in, oh, about six hours and some change.
Overcoming fear and stigma: Airdrie’s series on mental health and surviving depression « Random Thoughts of a Student of the Environment
Sep 16, 2008 at 4:08 pm
[...] to be overshadowed. Airdrie, whom I am honored to call a friend, is writing a series (read part 1 and part 2) on her experience as a depression-afflicted individual. Airdrie contributed a really [...]
Keira-Anne
Sep 16, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Thank you for being brave and shedding light on your struggles, Airdrie. As someone who once struggled with depression herself (and still does from time to time), I have learned that one of the best steps anyone can take is to be open about it. Unfortunately, mental health is seemingly often pussyfooted around; whether it’s because there’s too great a stigma attached or many people don’t believe it’s real, I don’t know. I believe that if more of us step into the light with our struggles, more of those who are sitting silently may be able to ask for the help they so desperately need.
Mental Health Notes « Talking To Air
Sep 16, 2008 at 8:46 pm
[...] blog over at B5Media, and was kind enough to let me share my experiences with her readers. (Read Part One and Part two) Part 3 and Part 4 will be published later this [...]
Lip Gloss and Laptops » Blog Archive » Mental Health Notes
Sep 16, 2008 at 8:49 pm
[...] blog over at B5Media, and was kind enough to let me share my experiences with her readers. (Read Part One and Part two) Part 3 and Part 4 will be published later this [...]
Richelle
Sep 17, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Love your podcast. You always sound so cheery- I never would have guessed you’ve had issues with depression. Just goes to show ya…it really can happen to anyone. Thanks for sharing.
Jodi
Sep 17, 2008 at 3:37 pm
You know my feelings about this, the more we talk about it, the better for everyone involved on both sides of depression. Yay you! :)
francine hardaway
Sep 18, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I take meds, Air. I struggled with panic attacks and anxiety disorder, and doctors told me (years ago) it was “nothing.” Nothing indeed. I went running to emergency rooms for years. Then my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and he, a physician, said “take these.” I did, and I have ever since. What a difference in my coping skills.
Alicia Sparks, Mental Health Notes
Sep 24, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’m so glad everyone has enjoyed Airdrie’s series (be sure to read the other three posts, if you haven’t) and can either relate or has learned something from her experience.
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